Last week I didn’t write a blog post. Sadly, I attended the funeral of a loved one instead and I witnessed pain and love in equal measure, which left me feeling like I didn’t have the capacity to engage in writing, well to be honest I didn’t feel I had the capacity to engage in much at all. Grief can do that to you.
Grief hadn't been on my agenda to write about just yet, perhaps because we avoid talking about things which can make us uncomfortable, so I set myself the task to tackle the topic, even as emotions are still high. I hope this blog might help or at least offer some food for thought because of that.
The pain of being human
Grief is one of the hardest things we face as humans. It’s raw, overwhelming, and often unpredictable. It sneaks up on us when we least expect it, in the quiet moments or the everyday routines we once shared with someone who is no longer there. And the truth is, grief isn’t something we ‘get over’—it’s something we eventually learn to live with.
We can ‘grieve’ in many circumstances, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a pet, the loss of a friendship or a job. Basically, we can experience grief at anything where we feel a sense of loss, and whilst the principles apply universally, today I will talk about the grief we experience through death. Death is the one thing guaranteed to us all, and yet we are horrifically bad at preparing for it, talking about it, or knowing how to manage it.
When we lose someone we love it can feel like the world shifts under our feet. Everything looks the same, but nothing feels the same. And for all the psychological theories and models that try to make sense of it, the reality is deeply personal. No two people grieve in the same way. No two losses feel identical.
A quote that often resonates with people is from Jamie Anderson and I heard it partly and bravely spoken at the funeral I attended:
"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. - ‘’Grief is just love with no place to go."
When we lose someone, the love we feel for them doesn’t die. It stays with us. But without them there to receive it, we can feel lost in its weight. Sometimes that love finds new places to go—into our memories, into honouring them, into caring for others. Sometimes, it just sits with us, aching.
As hard as it is, that’s part of the grieving process.
The Changing Face of Grief: From Collective Mourning to Private Pain
Grief has always been a deep human experience, but how we grieve has changed dramatically over time. Across cultures and generations, mourning was once a communal process—public, ritualistic, and fully acknowledged. Now, in many parts of the world, grief has become a much more private, even rushed experience, sometime barely even acknowledged with a newly found move towards no funerals at all in some cases.
The shift from collective support to individual endurance has left many struggling in silence, uncertain of how to navigate their own loss while meeting society’s expectations of resilience and productivity.
Grieving in Community: What We’ve Lost
In many traditional cultures, grief was never meant to be carried alone. Mourning was a shared experience, woven into the fabric of daily life. The bereaved were given structured time to grieve, surrounded by rituals that provided comfort and acknowledgment.
Extended mourning periods – Many cultures historically observed long mourning periods, sometimes lasting a year or more. In Victorian England, widows were expected to wear black for at least two years, signalling their grief to the world. Similarly, in some Jewish traditions, mourning is structured through stages, from sitting shiva (a week-long mourning period) to gradually re-entering daily life.
Public displays of grief – In many societies, grief was not hidden. Wailing, ritualistic lamentations, and processions were expected and encouraged. In parts of Africa and Asia, professional mourners were even hired to express collective sorrow, ensuring that grief was fully seen and acknowledged.
Collective support – Families, neighbours, and entire communities took on the responsibility of supporting the grieving. Meals were prepared, work was shared, and those mourning were not expected to immediately resume their previous roles.
The Modern Shift: Grief in a Fast-Paced World
Today, many of these traditions have faded, particularly in Western cultures. Instead of being given time and space to mourn, people are often expected to return to ‘normal’ as quickly as possible.
The pressure to ‘move on’ – Workplace bereavement policies often allow just a few days off, regardless of the significance of the loss. The expectation is to grieve quickly, quietly, and then get back to work.
Discomfort with grief – Many people feel awkward talking about death and loss. Conversations about grief are often avoided, leaving the bereaved feeling isolated. “I didn’t want to bring them up in case it upset you” is a phrase many grieving people hear, yet the avoidance can make the loss feel even more profound.
Grieving alone – Without structured community rituals, many grieve in solitude. Social media offers a space to express loss, but it doesn’t replace the real-life support of an engaged community.
The Consequences of Rushed Grief
The shift from communal mourning to private endurance has significant consequences for mental health. Grief is not something that can be neatly packed away within a few days or weeks. When people are forced to suppress their pain, it can manifest in complex grief, depression, and feelings of isolation. Research suggests this can even have an impact on our physical health.
Unprocessed grief – Without time and space to mourn, grief can become unresolved, reappearing later as emotional distress or physical symptoms.
Fear of remembering – When conversations about the deceased are avoided, it can feel as though they are being erased from history. Many grieving individuals hesitate to bring up their loved ones for fear of making others uncomfortable.
Loss of connection – The communal rituals that once provided a structured way to grieve are disappearing, leaving people to figure it out on their own.
We may not return to the elaborate mourning customs of the past, but we can find a middle ground—one that honours the deep, messy, and unpredictable nature of grief while ensuring that no one has to go through it alone. Grief is not something to be silenced, ignored, or pushed aside. It is love, transformed. And love deserves to be shared, witnessed, and held in community.
The Silence of Grief: Why We Stop Talking About Them
One of the saddest parts of grief is how often we stop talking about the person we’ve lost. Not because we don’t want to, but because we fear making others uncomfortable and sometimes simply because people stop asking or bringing the person up into conversation.
But silence doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten. In fact, many grieving people deeply long to talk about their loved one. They want to say their name, to share a story, to laugh about something funny they did. When others hesitate to mention the person, it can feel like they are disappearing all over again.
A simple, “Tell me something you loved about them” can be a gift. Working with grief as a therapist, I have learned that can be one of the most powerful things is to offer a space where the person can be remembered and their story can be told.
The Many Psychological Shapes of Grief
Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, and psychologists have developed various models to help us understand the process. While no model perfectly captures everyone’s experience, each offers valuable insights into how people cope with loss. Below are some of the most well-known psychological models of grief.
The Seven Stages of Grief (Expanded Kübler-Ross Model)
Shock & Disbelief – The initial reaction of numbness or detachment, often feeling like the loss isn’t real.
Denial – Struggling to accept the reality of the loss, possibly avoiding thinking about it.
Anger – Feelings of frustration, blame, and resentment, sometimes directed at oneself, others, or even the deceased.
Bargaining – Attempting to regain control through "what if" and "if only" thoughts or seeking ways to undo or lessen the pain.
Depression – Deep sadness, loneliness, and withdrawal as the reality of the loss fully sets in.
Testing & Reconstruction – Beginning to adjust, experimenting with new ways of living without the person, and slowly finding ways to move forward.
Acceptance – Finding peace with the loss, learning to live with it, and integrating it into one’s life.
If you’ve ever heard of these stages of grief, you might have expected grief to follow some kind of orderly path. But real grief isn’t linear. Some days you might feel fine, only to be hit by a wave of sadness weeks, months, or even years later. And that’s completely normal.
2. The Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999)
This model suggests that grieving involves oscillating between two key processes:
Loss-Oriented Coping – Facing the grief head-on, experiencing sadness, longing, and processing the emotions related to the loss.
Restoration-Oriented Coping – Focusing on adjusting to life without the deceased, handling daily responsibilities, and forming new routines.
Healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between these two processes rather than staying stuck in one. Some days, a person may feel overwhelmed with sadness, while on others, they may focus on practical aspects of life.
3. Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning (1991)
Psychologist J. William Worden outlined grief as an active process involving four key tasks:
Accept the Reality of the Loss – Acknowledging that the person is truly gone.
Process the Pain of Grief – Facing and expressing emotions rather than suppressing them.
Adjust to a World Without the Deceased – Adapting to life changes, whether social, practical, or emotional.
Find an Enduring Connection While Moving Forward – Holding onto memories in a way that allows for new experiences and relationships.
Unlike the stage models, this framework emphasises tasks that can be worked through in different orders and at different paces.
There are even more ways of understanding grief, these are just the most well-known. What this shows is that grief is a difficult process, ever changing, individual, painful, and sadly often long lasting.
Belief, Religion, and the Afterlife: How Our Views on Death Shape Grief
Death is one of life’s greatest mysteries, and how we approach it is deeply influenced by our beliefs—whether religious, spiritual, or secular. Across cultures and faiths, views on the afterlife offer comfort, structure, or existential questions that shape how we grieve.
For some, the promise of an afterlife brings peace; for others, the uncertainty of what happens after death intensifies the pain of loss. Understanding these perspectives can help us navigate our own grief and support those who may hold different beliefs.
Some common themes include:
Comfort in Continuity – For those who believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, grief can be softened by the idea that the loved one continues in some form.
Existential Grief – For those who believe death is the end, loss can bring profound existential reflections on the meaning of life and our place in the universe.
Ritual and Remembrance – Many religious traditions offer structured mourning rituals, while secular approaches often involve personal or symbolic ways of remembering.
Fear vs. Acceptance – Religious beliefs may either alleviate or intensify fear of death, while non-religious perspectives can lead to either existential dread or a deeper appreciation of life’s impermanence.
Regardless of religious or non-religious beliefs, people often seek meaning in grief. Some find solace in spiritual faith, while others focus on legacy, memories, or human connection. Supporting one another through loss means respecting different worldviews and allowing space for each person to process grief in their own way.
Whether one believes in an afterlife, reincarnation, or simply the impact a person leaves behind, one thing is universal: love does not die with the person. The connections we make in life endure in memory, in influence, and in the lives they’ve touched.
The Bottle of Wine Analogy: Why We Struggle to Access the Good Memories
Grief can sometimes feel like a bottle of fine wine that we are unable to enjoy. The memories of the person we lost—their laughter, their kindness, the moments we cherished—are all inside the bottle. But death acts like a cork, blocking access to those rich, warm, happy memories.
Why does this happen? Because our brain, in an attempt to protect us, often avoids triggering pain. It learns that thinking about the person brings sadness, so it starts suppressing those thoughts, trying to help us ‘cope’ by keeping the bottle sealed. The problem is, in doing so, we not only avoid the pain but also the joy, the deep connection, and the love that still exists.
So how do we uncork the bottle? One way is through gradual exposure—gently allowing ourselves to remember the good without fear. This might mean looking at old photos, listening to their favourite song, or sharing stories about them. The more we do this, the more we teach our brain that remembering is not just about pain—it’s also about love, warmth, and the essence of who they were. Over time, the cork loosens, and we regain access to the richness of those memories. That's why talking about the person is so important, it keeps us accessing the good and stops the 'cork' getting stuck.
When Grief Becomes Stuck: Complex Grief
For some, grief doesn’t soften over time. Instead, it lingers, heavy and unyielding. This is what we call complex grief—when the loss becomes so overwhelming that it interferes with daily life for an extended period. It might look like deep longing that doesn’t ease, intense guilt, or an inability to imagine a future without them.
A persons death can bring up many things that weren’t perfect in life and complex grief often happens when there are unresolved emotions—words left unsaid, conflicts never resolved, love never fully expressed. Maybe the loss was sudden, and there was no chance to say goodbye. Maybe there were difficult feelings in the relationship, and now there’s no way to repair them. This kind of unfinished business can keep us stuck, unable to move forward.
Grieving a Fractured Relationship
Grief can feel even more confusing when the relationship you’re grieving wasn’t whole at the time of loss. If there was unresolved conflict, distance, or painful emotions between you and the person who passed away, you might feel a mix of sadness, guilt, anger, relief, or even numbness. This is completely normal.
Grieving someone you had a complicated relationship with can be lonely, especially when others expect you to feel a certain way. But your grief is valid, even if it doesn’t fit into the usual narratives of love and loss.
You might feel a strange mix of emotions, including:
Sadness for what was lost.
Guilt over unresolved issues.
Anger at things left unsaid or done.
Relief that a difficult dynamic is over.
Confusion about how to mourn someone you had mixed feelings about.
It’s okay to feel all of these at once—or none at all. There’s no “right” way to grieve, especially in complicated relationships. Society often paints grief as pure sadness, but when a relationship was strained, your grief may not fit that mold. You don’t have to force yourself to feel emotions you don’t genuinely feel.
You might find yourself remembering both good and bad moments. That’s natural. A person can have caused you pain and still have meant something to you. You can miss someone and feel relieved they’re gone. You can feel anger and still mourn their loss. These aren’t contradictions—they’re part of complex grief. It’s okay to grieve what could have been, to mourn in an unconventional way, and to move forward on your own terms. Grief isn’t about pretending a relationship was perfect—it’s about finding peace with what was, what wasn’t, and what remains.
Grieving a complicated relationship can feel isolating, especially when others assume your grief should look a certain way. Talking to a therapist or someone who understands complex grief can help you untangle your emotions without judgment.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
Whether someone has lost a loved one, a pet, or even a life circumstance they cherished, the pain of grief can feel overwhelming. While you can’t take their pain away, you can offer comfort and support in meaningful ways. Very often in therapy I hear that ‘people stop calling’ or ‘people don’t seem to know what to say’, and its true that other people’s grief can make us uncomfortable or even leave us feeling helpless, which again can lead us to avoid our own discomfort and therefore the person that is grieving. Here’s how you can help someone.
1. Acknowledge Their Loss
One of the simplest yet most powerful things you can do is acknowledge their grief. Avoid clichés like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason”—these can feel dismissive. One of the phrases that seems to hurt the most is ‘I know how you are feeling’ because even if you have experienced loss yourself, grief is so individual that you probably don’t know how the person feels at all. Instead, say something honest and heartfelt, like:
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I’m here.”
“If you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”
Acknowledging their pain shows them they’re not alone.
2. Listen Without Trying to Fix It
Grief isn’t something that can be ‘fixed,’ but people often feel pressured to offer solutions such as ‘it will feel better in time’ or ‘you need to get out’. Instead, be a compassionate listener. Let them express their emotions without fear of judgment. They might repeat the same memories or thoughts over and over—this is part of processing grief. Your role is to listen patiently.
Sometimes silence is more powerful than words. Sitting with someone, offering a hug, or just being present can be deeply comforting.
3. Offer Practical Support
Grief can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering specific help:
Bring meals – Cooking may be the last thing on their mind.
Help with chores – Offer to clean, run errands, or walk their dog.
Check-in regularly – A simple text like “Thinking of you today” can mean a lot.
Many people are surrounded by support immediately after a loss but feel forgotten in the weeks or months that follow. Checking in later can be especially meaningful.
4. Respect Their Way of Grieving
Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Some people cry openly, while others grieve quietly. Some want to talk, while others need solitude. Let them grieve in their own way without pushing them to move on or “stay strong.”
Be mindful of anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays, as these can be particularly painful. A small gesture, like sending a message or lighting a candle in their loved one’s memory, can show you care.
5. Encourage Professional Support When Needed
Sometimes grief can become overwhelming, leading to prolonged sadness, isolation, or even depression. If someone is struggling to cope, gently encourage them to seek professional support from a therapist, counsellor, or support group.
You might say:
“It’s okay to talk to someone about this—you don’t have to go through it alone.”
“I know grief can be really tough. If you ever feel like talking to a professional, I can help you find someone.”
6. Be There for the Long Haul
Grief doesn’t just disappear after the funeral or memorial service. It lingers, sometimes resurfacing unexpectedly. Continue to check in on them long after others have stopped. Even a simple, “How are you feeling today?” can make a difference.
Supporting someone through grief isn’t about having all the right words—it’s about showing up with kindness, patience, and understanding. Your presence, no matter how small it seems, can be a source of immense comfort.
How to Help Yourself Through Grief
Grief is one of the most painful experiences we go through, and it can feel overwhelming, unpredictable, and exhausting. Often, we feel the pressure to ‘be strong’ to support others, or ‘to just get on with it’. While healing takes time, there are ways to support yourself through the process. Here’s how you can help yourself navigate grief in a healthy and compassionate way.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel
It’s natural to want to push away painful emotions, but grief needs to be felt. You might experience sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, or even relief—all of which are normal. There’s no "right" way to grieve, and emotions can come in waves. Let yourself feel what you feel, without judgment.
If you find yourself suppressing emotions, try:
Journaling about your thoughts and feelings.
Talking to a trusted friend or therapist.
Expressing emotions through art, music, or movement.
2. Take It One Day at a Time
Grief can feel overwhelming when you think too far ahead. Focus on getting through one moment, one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others but remind yourself that you don’t have to “fix” anything—you just have to keep moving forward at your own pace.
3. Look After Your Basic Needs
Grief takes a toll on both the body and mind. It’s easy to neglect yourself, but small acts of self-care can help you cope. Try to:
Eat nourishing foods, even if you have little appetite.
Get enough rest, even if sleep feels difficult.
Move your body, even if it’s just a short walk.
These basic steps don’t take the pain away, but they give you the strength to keep going.
4. Find a Way to Express Your Grief
Holding everything inside can make grief feel heavier. Finding an outlet can help you process emotions. You might:
Write a letter to the person you lost.
Create a memory box with photos and keepsakes.
Talk about them with someone who understands.
Join a grief support group, in person or online.
There’s no wrong way to honour your grief—do what feels meaningful to you.
5. Accept That Grief Isn’t Linear
Healing isn’t a straight path. Some days will feel easier, and then grief might hit you out of nowhere. This is normal. Be gentle with yourself and know that setbacks don’t mean you’re going backwards—they’re just part of the process.
6. Stay Connected to Others
It can be tempting to withdraw, but isolation can make grief harder. Lean on people you trust, whether that’s friends, family, or a support group. You don’t have to talk about your grief all the time—sometimes, just being around others can bring comfort.
If talking feels too difficult, let people know what you need:
“I’d love some company, even if we don’t talk much.”
“Can we do something lighthearted? I need a distraction.”
7. Allow Yourself Joy Without Guilt
You might feel guilty for laughing, enjoying yourself, or moving forward, as if you’re “forgetting” your loved one. But experiencing joy doesn’t mean you’re leaving them behind—it means you’re honouring life. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means finding ways to carry love and memories with you as you keep living.
8. Seek Professional Support If Needed
If grief feels too heavy to carry alone—if you’re struggling to function, feeling persistently hopeless, or withdrawing from life—it might be time to seek support from a therapist or grief counsellor. There’s no shame in asking for help.
You might say to yourself:
“I don’t have to do this alone.”
“It’s okay to need support.”
9. Find Meaning in Your Own Time
Some people find comfort in honouring their loved one—through charity, creative projects, or traditions. Others simply carry their love forward in quiet ways. Finding meaning after loss isn’t about replacing what was lost but about integrating grief into your life in a way that feels right for you.
Final thoughts
Personally, death has always held a sense of deep importance for me, including offering me some of the most challenging philosophical thoughts about ‘’the meaning of life’’. Death is the ultimate and potentially most important part of our lives, where there is little chance to change anything already gone. I have found that to help people with the ultimate transition between life and death is an honour, and one I know can make such a difference for both those dying and those left behind. I have volunteered for bereavement charities, I have worked in hospices in palliative and oncological care, and I have been a trustee of my local hospice. To me life, death, and dying have mattered, and instead of avoiding it I have chosen to work with it and face even my own mortality head on.
My work has offered insight into a few important things about what often matters in life. No-one I ever worked with as they faced death ever told me they regretted not spending more time at work, or in their last weeks or days ever said they were longing for the new car on the drive or the big house. The overriding themes of good memories recalled, were of the times spent with family and friends, the regrets were lack of time spent with these same people. The excitement people showed when telling me about themselves, was on the chances they had taken, even those that had failed, and the adventures remembered fondly. Even favourite foods eaten in exotic destinations that no doubt piled on the pounds, trumped the numbers on the scales that had preoccupied many for years in life. Rows with loved ones, no matter how big, often seemed trivial and words left unsaid could be more important sometimes than those spoken.
Death is so final and the one thing about death that has often saddened me, apart from the obvious loss of people I have loved, is the lack of living, or the lack of making it matter or count before we get there. Perhaps because we seem to avoid the concept of death, there is an avoidance that one day it will happen so we live our lives as if life will plod on for ever. This stops people making wills, talking to their loved ones about their wishes after death, and also making the most of the time we have whilst we are still here.
We never stop missing the people we love. Our brains are hardwired to hold them there in our mind and to offer a mental connection even when the physical is gone. But in time, grief changes shape. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes a part of who we are. It reminds us of how deeply we have loved, how much we have shared. An analogy I like is that grief is like a sharp stone we carry in our hearts and over time the edges of the stone get rounded off like a pebble on a beach that is worn down by the sea. The stone remains in our hearts, but is no longer so sharp, so painful, it can even become something quite beautiful.
The depth of our grief often matches the depth of our love. Grief is the price we pay for love and yet knowing this we continue to love.
This blog has barely touched the surface of what grief is, what it can feel like and how to manage it. So if you're grieving right now, know this: You are not broken. You are carrying love. And even though they are gone, they are still with you—in your heart, in your memories, and in the way their love shaped you. And that love? It will never leave you.
This blog is in honour of a man well loved.
Just know you don't have to grieve alone. I hope by talking about grief this might help. There are some amazing bereavement charities who can offer support and If you are struggling and think you may need professional support then feel free to get in touch.
As always until next time
Carla
So very well explained
Love the stone reflection, my stone still has the sharpe edges .
Love you my dear friend 🧡